The Ties That (Legally) Bind

Okay.  I considered making this post my second Bitch Fest, but as I couldn't decide how to label my target, I chose to just make this my typical rant.

Most of you know that I was very much against Prop 8 here in California, which passed last November.  For those that aren't in the know, it was a proposition to our state constitution which prevents people of the same sex from legally marrying.  It reversed a decision made by California's Supreme Court a few years ago to allow these marriages.

I even wrote a prior blog piece about it - "Why I Think Prop 8 is Wrong."  Feel free to look it up if you're in the mood for more angry tirades.

This topic remains an issue - it went before the Supreme Court a matter of days ago.  And of course, the news outlets covered it...which means they had plenty of "man on the street" type interviews on the subject.

Now, I know people who are against legalizing marriage for same-sex couples.  I don't agree with them, but some of them have arguments that I TRY to understand, although most of the time I simply don't.  I don't see how two people wanting to express their love for one another has anything to do with anyone else.  They're not hurting anyone.  Right?

What I saw that set me off, that drove me to write about this subject once again, was an on-the-street interview with a woman (who I will not name, of course) who said the following (yes, this is a direct quote, I rewound several times to make sure I got it verbatim):  

"Marriage is created for family.  And if you're two men or two women, you can't have family unless you ask someone else to do it for you."

First and foremost, this statement enraged me because she's now taking this beyond an argument over the definition of marriage - she's now making it about the definition of family.  Marriage is created for family?  Really?  Because I'm about to get married, to a man I love with my whole heart, but we're not sure at this point in time if we ever want to have kids.  Therefore, should we not be allowed to wed, if marriage is strictly for FAMILY?

And who is this woman to tell me that my fiance and I aren't a "family" of our own?  Since when do you have to have children in order to be considered a "family?"

And as far as "asking someone else to do it for you" - so, you're telling me, a couple who adopts a child, that's not a real "family?"  It's only truly a family if you have the kids yourself?  What about artificial insemination - does it really make a difference if the woman is gay or straight?  Does one have a family, and the other not?

This line of reasoning was so insensitive, so hideous, that I couldn't help but scream at my television (sorry neighbors).  What gives this woman the right??  Marriage isn't just about family.  The act of marriage is about love, plain and simple.  It shouldn't be bound by any further terms than that.

It's almost as ridiculous as those who rage about preserving the sanctity of marriage whilst signing the papers on their third divorce.

I hope all of their "families" forgive them.

Why I Believe Prop 8 is WRONG

Sorry to take such a serious tone today, folks...but I feel this is an issue that I must speak out about, and it's hard to find much humor in the situation.

For anyone who is unaware, the state of California passed a proposition yesterday - Prop 8 - which amends our state constitution, effectively banning gay marriage and possibly nullifying any gay marriages which have already taken place (though this is still up for argument).

This proposition reverses a California Supreme Court ruling earlier this year which made gay marriage legal under California law, and under which thousands of people have finally been allowed to make that most personal, important, and beautiful of commitments.

A host of reasons have been given for supporting Prop 8. Some are religious - that old argument that homosexuality is wrong in the eyes of God, you know the one.  Now let me say right here and now, I have no problem with people who have strong religion in their lives.  I have many, many friends - close friends - who are extremely religious or have even found their vocation in the church.  

What I have a problem with are people who are so close-minded that they search for excuses in the pages of the Bible.  People who choose to take the Bible in an overly literal sense - but only when it suits their purposes.  If they truly believed in the Bible, to the letter, they would own slaves and sleep with their wife's maidservant if their wife was unable to become pregnant.

Here's what I take from the Bible, and from most every religion - love each other without prejudice.  We are all equal, all made from the same stuff.

We don't leave much behind when we depart this mortal coil, but the one thing we DO leave is the effect we've had on the lives of others.  I've said this a zillion times, but think about it - it's a trickle down effect.  A boss yells at his employee.  The employee goes out to dinner that night and treats the waiter like a piece of trash.  The waiter goes home and hits his wife.  Their child observes and grows up hating himself for not being able to help.  And on and on.

This is a broad example, of course, but that doesn't mean it's not true.  Positive energy works the same way, but what we take in the deepest, what we hold closest to our chests, is the anger, the fear, the negative.  Which is probably why racism, bigotry, and prejudice continue to this day.

Instead of telling people that we've chosen for them, that we believe they are somehow lesser than ourselves, can't we decide to spread a little positive energy for a change?  I don't understand how two people who want to love each other is such a threat to anyone.  Are you really - really - afraid that if a gay couple marries, that means they're suddenly going to show up at your children's school and convince them all that they're homosexuals?  Do you really - really - still believe that homosexuality is a CHOICE and not something you're born into?  That you can pray for a person until they "change" their sexual preference???

Listen.  I'm not gonna sit here and lie and tell you all that I've never had a prejudiced thought enter my mind.  I'm not sure you could find anyone that could honestly say that.  But here's the truth.  Yes, living in Los Angeles, I am lucky to have a ton of gay and lesbian friends.  But I also grew up in the midwest with a lesbian couple in my immediate family.  When I was young, I thought they were just best friends - and isn't that what every couple should ultimately be??  I didn't know anything about sex, it's not like I thought much differently about my heterosexual relatives. 

It wasn't until I was a bit older that I realized that yes, they were in a loving relationship, that they were gay.  And do you know what happened?  NOTHING.  Zilch.  Nada.  I loved them as much as I ever had, and it didn't "turn me gay" to be exposed to a lesbian couple. 

I am so thankful for that experience.  Without it, I'm not sure I'd be as open-minded (and hearted) as I am today.  From a young age, I knew that being homosexual didn't make you any different from anyone else - you could still be in a loving, long-term relationship - indeed, that couple is still together to this day, quite literally longer than any other couple in my family.

The other major argument for Prop 8 is that it preserves the family - that a child is better off in a home with both a mother and a father.  Because if you haven't realized already, preventing gay couples from legally marrying is effectively preventing them from adopting children.

This is the one that really hits home for me, that makes my stomach curdle and my fingers clench.  First off, I don't think anyone would argue with the idea that the more loving people surround a child, the better - but I happen to think that it doesn't matter what sex they are.  If a loving, stable couple wants to extend their hearts and their home to a child who needs a family, then why the HELL shouldn't we let them?!?  The case has been proven time and time again that living with a homosexual couple does NOT result in a child "becoming" gay.

And as for being better off with both a mother AND a father?  Well, let me tell you something very personal about myself.  I was raised for many years by a single, widowed mother, and I think I turned out pretty damn well, thank you very fucking much.  And for the years she didn't raise me by herself, she was trapped in a relationship with my stepfather, a man who treated me like garbage, beat me, and made me believe I was a loser. Issues I still deal with to this day.  The only positive thing that came of that relationship was my siblings - I am blessed to have a fantastic, selfless sister and a wonderful, loving brother, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  Anything.

But I don't credit my stepfather for any of us turning out the way we did - I credit our mother.  The only credit I can give my stepfather is that having to endure his tyranny is what gave me the strength I have today.

So do you think I was better off in a home with both a mother AND a father - really??

I admit, my case isn't necessarily the norm.  And hey, not every gay couple that raise a child are going to do so in the best way.

But goddamn it, they should have the right to try.