The Not-So-Amazing-Race

I've been a fan of CBS' "The Amazing Race" for many seasons, and my mom and I even applied to be on the show earlier this year (we would've been part of the current season, which just started Sunday night).

We were bummed that we weren't called, but after watching the premiere on Sunday I found myself less bummed and more angry - seriously, THESE are the people you've chosen to compete on the show?? THESE are the people you think America will find interesting enough to watch for several months?? My mom and I are real people with an actual, meaningful relationship - sure, we might not provide the drama of "ooh, are they gonna break up?!?," but at least we would've been LIKABLE (I think).

Here were my thoughts after watching:


Could they make worse casting choices?!?

In past seasons, the teams I found the least interesting were always the young, "dating" couples, the ones who ALWAYS say the race will either make them or break them - supposedly they're either headed for a separation or marriage.

Well, guess what - if you're facing that sort of dilemma, chances are good you aren't right for each other. Booooring.

Yet this season is chock full of these teams - so many, in fact, that I'm having trouble distinguishing them.

The rest of the field is made up of semi-famous people who don't really seem like they need the money, so why should I root for them?? There are only a couple of teams that actually feel like "real" people, and no one seems particularly smart - what happened to having some brainiacs on the Race? Half the fun is watching the competition between brains and brawn - seeing the smartypants dominate the mind puzzles while the athletes win the physical challenges.

I used to love this show, but I'm not sure I can stick out this season - and I've heard the same from many others who used to be fans. Here's to hoping the producers & casting peeps try a little harder next time around.

BITCH FEST #3

BITCH FEST #3: People parked in their cars on the side of a busy street who decide to unceremoniously throw their driver's side door wide open into oncoming traffic.

You know what I mean.

You're driving along in the right-hand lane of a busy street - I mean, it's got to be at least SOMEWHAT busy, after all, there is more than one lane going on here. You're rolling along, minding your own driving bidness, when out of the blue you see what looks to be a fairly large object flying at the front of your car.

Giant, angry sewer rat? Misplaced tumbleweed? No, sir. Just some d-brain who decided it was time to give some innocent motorists a little taste of cardiac arrest.

If I'm in my parked car on a busy street, here's what I usually do. I crack my door carefully, wait for traffic to slow (if not totally stop), then I gradually open the door inch by cautious inch, until I can just barely squeeze my side-turned butt out of the car. I do the same when re-entering the vehicle. Stop, stand, look, wait, open/jump-in all at once.

But not everyone follows these simple steps...oh nooooooo. Some a-munchers clearly think they're the only people on the planet, as evidenced by their blatant ignorance of the vehicular death they nearly caused.

Why in god's name would you ever - EVER - throw your door completely WIDE OPEN into traffic?!? I've only got about a foot and a half of room to spare in the first place, and your 3 foot long door suddenly entering my airspace means I have to choose between swerving dangerously close to the car in the left-hand lane or risk leaving a good chunk of my paint on yours, either of which could result in any number of catastrophic outcomes.

So please, idiot person in your parked car, the next time you're about to fling open your door into the middle of crazy L.A.-style traffic, stop and think a moment about the fact that you could seriously harm someone...and the fact that I've vowed to take your hand off with my side-view mirror the next time it happens.

Sorry - I guess I just didn't see you there! Sucks that you can't drive anymore, what with your one-hand and all. (And to the rest of the human race....you're welcome.)

My Brain, the Nerf Football

Why does it have to be so d*mn difficult to get back into the swing of things after a great vacation???

Granted, I'm not doing much these days...writing from home, walking the dog, taking some classes...but even that stuff seems like the ultimate grind after a long weekend of complete and total R & R.

If only life could be an endless stream of vacation days...

Of course, if I had a more solid feeling of where I'm going with my life (professionally, not personally), that might help. This state of constant flux, not knowing what I'm meant to do with myself, not sure what my future will hold or if I'll ever, EVER find a career path that I find (at the least) tolerable...it's a bit much at times. Particularly after a break from it all, not thinking about these overarching concerns for five whole days...let's just say that I've had a fairly rough time slipping back into the realm of self-flagellation.

Ugh.

Channeling my Inner Dude

For some reason, I've always felt that I've had more guy-like tendencies than most girls.

No, I'm not into chicks.

But I do love reading sci-fi and fantasy novels (like 'Lord of the RIngs,' NOT like that romantic fantasy BS with Fabio on the cover), I adore action movies, and my sense of direction is superior to most.

Take for example the 'Transporter' films.  Many girls wouldn't let their BF's drag them kicking and screaming to see these movies, and if they did, they'd gossip to their girlfriends the next day about how awful it was and how hideous their BF's movie taste is.

Not me.  I love those films - well, maybe not the third one so much...even the fights were lame.  But I can watch Jason Statham kick butt any day of the week.  No, not because he's ripped, but because I admire his martial arts skills and the fact that he does his own stunts (for the most part).  The dude rules.  He's the dudeliest.

Luckily, none of this seems to bother my fiance.  It just gives us more to talk about.

I'll never forget, though, the day my mom found out that I watched so many episodes of "The A-Team" and "Knight Rider" in my youth that I have more memory of those shows than I do my own elementary school friends' names.  Ah, the look of horror that crossed her face when she realized how much crappy testosterone-fueled television I imbibed behind her back as a young child!

The books are all her fault, though.  She got into reading sci-fi with my uncle when they were kids, and therefore my house growing up was packed to the gills with Asimov and Heinlein. I had a book in front of my face as soon as I learned to read (which was at a ridiculously young age), and it was never any of that sappy girly nonsense.  My version of chick lit was Nancy Drew.  Because she was a total bad-ass.

Maybe it's because of all this that I ended up being more likely to want to catch "Crank 2: High Voltage" rather than go clothes shopping or paint my nails.  And why I usually relate more in conversation to dudes than chicks...hence my sad lack of lady-friends.

Sometimes I'm a little embarrassed by how guy-like my tastes seem to be.  Then again, I do enjoy some "girly" things, like frou frou martinis and cooking dinner for my fiance.

As long as we can have a full-blown kung fu battle with the kitchen utensils afterward.

I Need a Hero!

Just noticed I haven't blogged in over two months...pretty sad state of affairs.  I blame it on the play I'm in - memorizing lines takes up a lot of brain-space.

I saw something on CNN the other day and realized I had to write about it - it made me so, SO angry.  They called it a "real-life Footloose" - a senior at a Catholic high school went to his girlfriend's public school prom, after which he was suspended and won't be allowed to walk with his class at graduation this summer - all because his school has very strict rules against music and dancing.

I was floored by this.  Does this really still exist in America today?  Did we not pass into a new millennium nine years ago?  And as much as I loved it, wasn't "Footloose" pretty G-D corny?

Frankly, I think having rules against anything is pretty much equivalent to asking for teen rebellion.  ESPECIALLY when it's something like this.  Music and dancing have been part of human culture throughout all of recorded history.  They have been used to celebrate, to commemorate, to show love and express joy, to alleviate the negative and bring people together.

How on earth can something so beautiful be turned into something to be afraid of?  It boggles my mind.  I understand the church's correlation between slow-dancing and sex, I suppose.  But I would argue that one does not necessarily lead to the other, and that if a teen is going to have sex, they're probably gonna do it regardless of what they were doing earlier in the evening.

I may be putting myself on shaky ground by saying this, but I don't think sex is the enemy.  Unwanted teen pregnancy and STD's are what we should be focusing on - a lack of sex education is the true evil, yet THAT is what's being promoted by so many in the church.

I'm not saying I condone underage sex - but I don't think it's realistic to fight against it, either.  Be supportive of your kids, let them know that it's more important to you that they are SAFE and PROTECTED - that's what my mom did for me, and I seemed to work out okay.

And this nonsense about music and dancing?  I don't care if this kid's school had rules that he knowingly broke - they were idiotic rules to begin with.  I don't blame him one bit.  This school should be ashamed of itself.  I'm willing to bet they don't have any rules against aggressive, competitive sports.

Religion shouldn't be all about fear and control, it should be about love and compassion and joy.  I guess I'll keep hoping for a rebellion...and not just from the teens.

BITCH FEST #2 - Automatic Toilets!!!

Okay, so the guys out there in Blog-land won't be able to relate as much to this piece, I'm sure, but I'm hoping I'll find some fellow commiserators amongst the ladies.

I have a thing with public restrooms.  To put it bluntly, I hate them.  My maternal grandmother had a pretty severe case of OCD, and I'm fairly certain that's where I get my base fear of the toilet stalls that exist outside of the comfort of my own home.

I often gets chills when I enter a stall - literal chills.  I shake in revulsion.  I have been known to walk an entire line of 30+ stalls in order to find the least offensive offering.  And I wash my hands repeatedly and obsessively, doing everything in my power to avoid touching faucets, handles, and doors afterward.

Because of all this, I am very fond of the trend toward automatic bathroom fixtures.  I'm a HUGE fan of automatic sinks and paper towel dispensers (or even better environmentally-speaking, automatic air dryers), and the advent of the automatic soap dispenser is a thing of true beauty.  I can't wait for EVERY establishment to get on board.

But the one device that continually picks at my sanity is the automatic toilet.  Why can't they get this damn thing right????

I guarantee that every woman out there has experienced the following situation:  Enter stall.  Do your thing.  And just a few seconds before you're ready for it, the toilet flushes.  Sigh of frustration.  Okay, NOW you're ready.  But the toilet isn't gonna flush again, as you didn't sit back down and activate the sensors.  You try waving your hand at the sensor, maybe put your foot in front of it to simulate a seated body.  Nothing.  So you hunt and search for the elusive "manual" button, which is of course too small to hit with your foot, and therefore you are left with the disgusting task of having to TOUCH THE TOILET AFTER ALL.

Not only has the entire purpose of the automatic toilet been defeated, you've also succeeded in 1) wasting water and 2) boiling your brain into a barely-controlled fury.

And I've actually been in stalls where the exact OPPOSITE situation occurs.  Enter stall, do your thing, finish, wait.  Wait.  Wait.  And nothing happens.  So, certain that the automatic toilet mechanism is on the fritz, you begin your search for the aforementioned manual button.  And just as you get right down there, with your face hovering mere disgusting inches from the toilet, guess what?  Flush.  Not only is it aggravating, it's totally, completely, undeniably repulsive.

Why can't these people get the damn things RIGHT???  Is the timing really THAT hard to manage?  Are the female engineers assigned to designing the mechanism the fastest wipes in the West or what?!?  (Sorry, gross out factor.)

You know, if the timing on these things is THAT difficult to figure out, then just leave be.  Gimme an old-school manual flush handle any day of the week - at least I can hit THAT thing with my foot.

Oh, and while we're at it, can we get on the task of creating an automatic toilet paper dispenser?  The female populace thanks you.

Driven to Distraction

Oh, what to do?

The problem at hand is vehicular in nature.  You see, I have what many have called extremely bad luck when it comes to cars.  I've owned more cars in my life than I care to admit, and I'm always ready for the latest one to crap out on me.

My previous car was a fiasco...I got a bright and shiny Saturn in 2002 - my very first BRAND NEW CAR.  The warranty expired after three years, and at year four (one year shy of having the car paid off) the car decided to stop working.  This was accompanied by some pretty awful noises and rather copious amounts of smoke, all of which was caused by some sort of engine cracking which I was told was not my fault.

Not my fault, huh?  You'd think that would mean I was entitled to my money back or a free Saturn or something wonderful of that nature.

In my dreams.

But they did work out a deal with me where they would wipe out the remainder of what I owed on the car (minimal at that point) in exchange for taking the car off my hands for parts and whatnot...as long as I sat down and signed the papers on a NEW car that very day.  This seemed a win-win situation to me, as I certainly couldn't live my life in L.A. without a motor vehicle, and although my previous Saturn had exploded for no apparent reason, I still trusted in the brand - don't ask me why.

So I signed off on a new car...as a lease.  You see, I figured that if I couldn't keep a brand-new car alive for four years, why not just switch them up every three?  That way, I'd always have a shiny new vehicle, and I'd never have to worry about something going horribly, awfully wrong and perhaps stranding me in East L.A.  (I don't know why I'm in East L.A. in this scenario, as I don't go there on a regular basis, but it fit my parameters for a place I would not want to be stranded, so sue me).

So here I am, at the tail end of my three year lease (did you already figure out the math, you sly devil, you?), and I really have no idea what I should do next.  My preference is whatever is cheapest, but that ain't so easy to figure out right now.

You see, I have been in two sizable accidents in this car - both times the car has been repaired through my insurance, but the repairs were substantial and I'm not exactly sure how that will go over with the folks at Saturn.  Also, I had an incident in a parking garage that resulted in a rather long and horrific scratch on the side of my car - which has NOT been fixed.

There are a few other issues, none of which are my fault, but I'm not sure the dealership will see it as theirs.  For instance, one measly month after I got the car, the cover to the driver's side visor mirror fell off.  Literally fell off.  I didn't even touch it.

Last year, the front passenger side window broke for no good reason.  It rolls down, but comes up crooked (someone told me the window grips inside of the door mechanism must have come loose).

And a few months ago, the right side window washing valve stopped working.  When I pull the lever to squirt solvent onto my windshield, only the driver's side gets the juice.  Hey, at least it's the important side, right?

See what I mean?  The car isn't even THREE YEARS OLD.  What the hell???

So here are my options.  1) Finish off my lease and switch over to making payments to actually BUY the car in question, keeping fingers crossed that nothing else goes wrong with it.  2) Fix the scratch & other issues on the car (probably thousands in repair work), then turn it in to Saturn and wash my hands of them. 3) Turn the car in to Saturn without the repairs, be charged probably double that amount by them, but still get to wash my hands of them.

Of course, option 3 is probably out of the question, as it will likely be the most expensive route.  But between 1 and 2, I simply cannot decide which would be the better choice - do I stick with a car that already seems to be falling apart but save the money on external repairs, or do I shell out for the repairs, get rid of the pesky damn Saturn, and switch over to a new car from a different company?  Either way, I'm still stuck with car payments for the next several years, though admittedly fewer of them if I choose to stick with the Saturn.

Whew.  Long-winded, and pretty boring stuff.  I apologize.

You know, just from writing all of that down, I think I see what I need to do, which is stick with the G-D Saturn from hell.  Great.  Will someone PLEASE win the lottery for me, PLEASE???

Then I could just hire a freaking chauffeur.