Papa

How can my heart keep breaking when it's already lying in a thousand pieces in the pit of my stomach?

Today marks one week since my maternal grandfather, my Papa, passed away. Sometimes it feels like it's been a year, other times it's still not quite real to me.

I consider myself so lucky to have been able to be here in Michigan for the past three months, helping to take care of Papa and be with my family. I will always cherish the time I got to spend with him toward the end of his life, although I hope that these won't always be the strongest memories I have of him...I want to be able to remember his face filled with a smile instead of pain; his body strong and sure instead of weakened and bruised.

I'm sure I will, one day.

This is one of the toughest weeks I have ever had to endure. Yesterday was supposed to be my final day to drive Papa to his treatments before a ride service took over so that I could head back to L.A...instead, I sat by the window for hours, not knowing what to do with myself now that my entire reason for being on this side of the country is gone. I felt so lost. I still do.

I cried myself to sleep last night, unable to stop thinking about Papa - how my time with him is finished, how I won't be helping him put on his jacket anymore, how he looked as he slipped away.

Why is it that no matter how much we do, or how much time we spend, in the end it's just never enough? There is always something we wish we had said or done. I wish I had stayed at his house to eat lunch with him more often after treatment...I wish I had shown him the photo of us at my wedding, instead of saving it as a Christmas gift.

But one thing I can't - won't - wish is that I had told him I loved him more often. Because I know that I told him absolutely every time I said goodbye, whether on the phone or in person - and I know that even if I hadn't, he still would have known.

I try to find comfort in this, that for all of his simple means, Papa was rich in what matters the most - love. He had such a warm heart, he loved all of us so very much, and we adored him in return.

Because of this, and because he lived a long, full life, I don't want waste time being angry at the universe for taking him away. But I can't stop myself from hurting.

My heart aches. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow. Just when I think I can't possibly cry any more, the tears just take over.

I know that he, of all people, wouldn't want me to stay this way. He, who told his own sisters not to visit him in the hospice during his last days because it was too much trouble for them, saying, "don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

I don't know exactly what I believe about the afterlife, but I do know that wherever Papa is, he'd want to tell all of us that exact statement...and I'm trying like hell to be strong like him, so that I can tell my family and friends the same about myself.


Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.


One day.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off...RIGHT F*ING NOW

You guys, I just don't get it.

There are so many things going on in the good ol' U.S. of A. right now that simply boggle my mind...so many issues being debated that are overwhelmingly pointless.

How can any senator (or other person) look at the results of the Pentagon study on the potential repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' and say that there isn't enough information?!? How can someone possibly think that an act that discourages ANY person from doing something honorable (such as serving their country) isn't reprehensible? How can someone listen to the highest leaders in our military make their case against this disgusting law and then continue to argue FOR it?!?

I'm also stymied whenever I hear a blue-collar worker supporting the notion of extending the Bush tax cuts to the wealthy. Look, I get extending the cuts to all of us "norms" - the economy is suffering, unemployment isn't budging, the middle/lower class can use all the help it can get. But that's not the issue - evil socialist Obama and the democrats ARE in favor of extending those cuts. They simply want to eliminate the cuts for the rich folks, the ones making over $200K/year. And a lot of those people have come out in SUPPORT of this plan. Everyone likes to bitch that we need to save/make money somewhere, well, here's a dandy place for it. I don't get it. We're not even RAISING their taxes, per se - we're RETURNING them to where they were several years ago.

To all the people who use the "trickle down" argument (i.e. if we give more money to those in the higher income brackets, they will then spend that money and it will trickle down to the starving masses): I call B.S. All of our top economic minds have said time and again that the notion of a trickle down effect is, for the most part, false. And besides, we already gave the fat cats a chance to make trickle-down work, when we first put the tax cuts into play - and they didn't do a damn thing. Trickle down didn't happen. So why continue to keep the game the exact same if THE GAME DOESN'T WORK?!?

Another thing that's absolutely blowing my mind is this statement being made by the Republican party, that they will absolutely, without fail, deny any attempt at bipartisanship by the Democrats/Obama. That they will automatically, without fail, vote down any attempted legislation. I understand that everyone has their differences. But it behooves no one - NO ONE - to act like a bunch of pissy 6-year-olds saying, "well if I can't have the red balloon then I'm just gonna pop ALL the goddamn balloons so that NO ONE can have one."

I mean, seriously people?!? Is this how you teach your children to behave? Because if so, this country's headed straight down shit creek without a paddle - with a big fucking hole in bottom of the boat.

A certain senator said that his number one goal during his next two years in office was to prevent Obama from being reelected. Really? REALLY?!? Not fixing the economy, huh? That one too rough for ya? 'Cuz I'm fairly certain that if we don't continue to work on that son-of-a-bitch, we're not gonna have much country left by the 2012 elections.

There are plenty of other issues that I have a hard time believing are still being argued over in this day and age - gay marriage, right to choose, global warming - but for those I have at least heard some intelligent debate. There are people out there who have their reasons for arguing against those matters, and even if I don't agree with them, I have to allow that those reasons exist.

But the support of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'...the stand against bipartisanship, against working together for the good of the country...the determination to extend tax cuts to people who don't need them -

I just don't get it.

Times are starting to feel pretty fucking desperate, people. God (or whoever is out there) help us...

...because we certainly aren't helping ourselves.